You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
