GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
