I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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