It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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