a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
