omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
