I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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