if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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