i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
