Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
