I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
