Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
