is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
