There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
