Tell her she can't have a vagina
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
