I accidentally had phone sex last night
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
