I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
