I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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