He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
