he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
