Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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