Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
