I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
