I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
