it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
