I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
