I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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