Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
