nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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