Only a mothe r could love this liver
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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