Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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