I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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