I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
