dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
