I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i believe in u and ur pee
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
