He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
