Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
