The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
