I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Blood and glitter go together right?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
