I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
