My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
