Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
