So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
