I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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