it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
