pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
