Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
