Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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