i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
