i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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