I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
