Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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