I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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