you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
